Shaky Egg

This is not to replace my usual treatise on the real meaning of Christmas. I hope to get around to that some time this season. But this is what’s on my mind right now.

You know, all things considered, my life is pretty darn good.

I was talking with a friend this summer about his longing for a family, and I told him that I am thankful for my misery. It’s really true. We are so blessed, and compassion and gratitude wash in and replace old grudges and convictions of wrongs past and present. I can list a pretty long list of things I have to juggle, and I am reasonably cognizant of the consequences of various actions, mostly actions that make sense like having to choose to support my husband in his travel by taking time off to take care of my child when he is out of town, even if it means losing my own job (which pays less than half as much) because I ran out of leave. These things are unlikely, and while I feel some normal pressure and stress as I try to balance my life and see what it means to be a two income family with children, living paycheck to paycheck, especially at Christmas time, it doesn’t seem like too much and I know it’s a whole lot less than many people face.

So why I was as close to having a nervous breakdown as I have ever been in my life, without having one, I do not know. My stresses are, especially if I take the long view, so much less than they’ve ever been. The Christmas I used food stamps to pay for all sorts of delicacies for a huge party at my scary little Fort Sanders apartment when I didn’t even have rent money comes to mind (well ya can’t pay rent with food stamps, can ya.), the absolute lowest point I hit in my 30th year, the death of loved ones, the abusive environment at my previous job, or various family conflicts and wounds both childhood and marital. I am eating (mostly) vegan, which I believe is outstanding nutritionally, and loving it. My spiritual / healing work brings me so much insight and joy. My child is the best thing that ever happened to me. I love (most of the time) my job. I have really neat friends. I finished three years of healing school this year. We are a little tight due to my husband’s job change, but we still have the means to buy the things our kids want most for Christmas. After having a baby and a miscarriage my weight is lower than it was when I started dating my current (haha, I use the word current as if there was or will be others!) husband. Things are pretty darn good.

Anyway, yesterday I was just falling apart. My whole body hurt. If you grew up around country people at all you’re familiar with ‘it’s my nerves.’ I’ve joked about that before, and in fact it’s been baddish before, but this was BAD.

I just happened to have an appointment for counseling and a psychiatrist visit anyway– I have to go once a month because of the adderall. It had really been coming on since Sunday and probably longer. My nerves were so bad I hurt physically. I have an anxiety disorder and has nothing to do with any reality– it’s like arthritis or something, and it just– flares up.

Thank goodness for health insurance. 90 of those little blue life savers were only five dollars! Thank goodness for the understanding that it is deadly to walk around hurting like this– anxiety, depression and stress cause brain cell loss and worse. Thank goodness that through healing school and work with my dear counselor I’ve figured out that we make choices to nurture ourselves and prescription tranquilizers can be a healthy choice which allows one to finally, simply get some rest. Thank goodness that my addictive personality does not extend itself to prescription drugs (at least I did okay with demerol and oxycontin prescribed at various times for various minor surgeries).

So, I came home last night and took one, watched the final episode of I love New York 2 (so glad she didn’t pick that asshole!), ate a frito pie with vegan chili and vegan cheese, and went to bed and slept like the dead. It was so good to feel all that hurt ebb away, I cannot even describe it. I wish I could take another and go back to bed right now, but I’m home with my baby today and would like to finish up some errands and get out to the park with her.

I still feel it in the wings, like a terrible experience that is now over, but the shadow still hovers. Still, today is so much better. I feel like a human again. I can do normal, human things. Thank you, lord.