so thankful
I have to post quickly, just because the mood of my last post was so glum. I’ve had so much I wanted to say, but between my thinking of late about the energy I pour out toward others and whether that might be better turned inward, and my activities of the last week or two, I haven’t been able. And I’m still not. I just wanted to say briefly.
I’ve spent the last two weeks and way too much money sweating over trying to have a great birthday party for shaky baby yesterday. I am an extremely ambitious party planner, but I am not a top down person, and my husband figures if you can’t get it done the day before or the day of it’s not worth it so… you can imagine the chaos and mass of half done tasks all through the house and yard. I really need to call up my inner military strategist.
I also really need to be more consistent about all those things most of the time so I don’t have to panic when it’s time to have folks over. Or throw away all my stuff so dusting is not a major project. Or, just get over it. Why can’t I just say, fuck no I don’t dust, ever, why would I? My life would be so much easier.
I can’t believe how much I stress. I just want so badly to have people over, and I forget between times just how badly I can screw it up. I never hit the right stride of preparation and relaxation. Or else, I need a maid/server.
We spent her birthday with a dear friend of hers from school… then I had a cold and stayed home with her Wednesday as well, then our baby sitter had a terribly contagious issue at her place so we didn’t have child care Thursday so I split my day up between having her all day and working the evening 1/2 day… then back to work in earnest Friday, half a day Saturday and that insane party.
I think the kids had a good time, truly, and I hope the parents did too. We did manage the pinata of course, and to decorate cookies. A couple of friends brought very nice additions to help out. The weed flowers which make our back yard look so ragged, but which are so beloved of shaky baby, were a huge hit, they were scattered everywhere like fresh rushes for us to tread upon. Thoughtful parents took all the dangerous implements of destruction or bodily harm that I thought I’d adequately stowed away and truly adequately stowed them away. I am trying not to think about anything except the positive– like, after everyone left, my weekend still had two days left in it.
I took her to get her hair cut Thursday, and washed her hair in real shampoo tonight– we usually do water only, or Tate’s Natural Miracle. Her little curls came right out. They are tighter than botticelli but looser than corkscrew, but cut so close to her head they just tighten right up. When you look at the back of her head you can almost hear ’sproingggg’. I need to get her one of those silky mob caps women used to wear to keep their hairdos pretty as they slept, or just a satin pillow case.
As I kissed her good night I realized I’ve spent most of the last week simply celebrating her existence. That is entirely appropriate. She’s an amazing little girl and she is an amazing blessing. I wished her happy birthday again. She said, am I six now? I said no, 359 more days. And we need to think of something special for when you’re six, like going to New York or Paris like Eloise. She said, will Eloise be there? I said no, but we can go to the same places, right? But we need to save our pennies.
My step daughter is here– my stepson had to stay home so he could be in a robotics competition. Today we went to the park in the morning and ate McDonalds breakfast (I know, not vegan, but a girl’s got to eat) picnic style, flew kites, talked to one of my girlfriends who was there too, went to Lowe’s for garden plants, kept a friend’s children for several hours while she’s in the hospital so her exhausted husband could clean and nap, decorated more cookies, and when he took the little ones home, worked a bit in our raised beds and planted some of what we bought today.
You should have seen my little 1.08 year old out in the four o’clock sun and breeze. She would lay on the beach towel, butt in the air and face to the ground, kicking her legs out– just luxuriating in the fresh air and the loving earth under her cheek. It was a beautiful thing. I love all of the kids but they mostly entertain themselves– the 1.08 year old is usually stuck with me. I did take about ten minutes or more with each child especially to do something with them, though. I’d envisioned their visit as a structured repeat of the birthday party, or actually as a chance to do the birthday party right in all the ways I’d failed yesterday… but they arrived just as we got back from Lowe’s so I couldn’t prepare, so nothin’ doin’. They were a bit bratty, but shoot. Their mom’s in the hospital, I had not sorted anything out for them to do– it was fine. I know that even when one of them (including mine) is crying or tattling every five minutes they’d still rather be together. I sure wish shaky baby had let me play the ’whoever pops their balloon first wins’ game though.
Have most of my herbs planted, the ones I spend a fortune buying at the supermarket anyway, and some flowers… husband working on strawberries, peppers, tomatoes, onions… have no idea whatever what to do with the rest of the yard. I got an extra azalea, some Spanish lavender and a gorgeous blue (really purple) hybrid tea rose. I did not get the hydrangea… I thought about how much space it would need in full sun, which would be exactly the area that I’d prefer to keep open at least until I plan my yard a bit better.
The places I want to fill up with lovely fragrant blooms are in shade to semi shade. For the rest of the yard I have in mind these woodland/cottage/formal gone wild curving vistas stretching away, leaving plenty of lawn for play and leading the eye or the walker back toward a couple of different seating areas among the trees and flowers, plus a butterfly garden… curving vistas really take up a lot of space, and a lot of planning, and a lot of money. Too much is not enough when it comes to putting plants in, and it looks shabby to just put in a bit here and a bit there, especially on that endless east fence line. Trees always look so much more stately in threes or rows, and I don’t know how I’ll work it out and stay within my budget and get much done during each planting season, and the more I think about all we want to do the smaller my yard looks! We can always move our raised beds, of course… We’ll see.
I did realize that I want only green foliage and purple, white, lavendar to gray, and variations on blue and fuchsia that appear purple in my vistas. That was a HUGE step forward. Knocked out the Carolina jasmine (jessamine) I wanted for the scent but… wrong color!! Fringe flower is the right color and it smells lovely… but it was seventeen dollars. Next time. The pale purple hybrid tea smelled delightful so that was my splurge.
And so… off to clean party mess for a time before bed. One more lovely weekend day to go for me before back to work!
and there was rock
I have to go on to work, unfortunately. I want to blog endlessly about my weekend, and probably will, but for now here’s what I can rattle down in just a few minutes.
That concert was just beautiful. Sitting in an old opera house style theatre in plush fold down seats was different, yes it was, from standing in The Nick a foot or so away from the amps and two feet from the musicians, surrounded by cigarette smoke thick enough to cut with a knife.
But the hard luck songs were still as beautiful as ever, and I believe their lyrics are richer than ever too. They did a very, very tight set of both old and new, and they started off and ended up with many of my favorites, including Uncle Frank and Let There Be Rock, which closed the set before the encore.
They ended the encore with Angels and Fuselage, and I bawled outright. Boo hooed. I know it was loud in there, but I still hope nobody heard. Everyone else was standing up after the standing ovation, but I just plunked down as soon as the opening note sounded, thinking, here it comes. When it was over, and the lights came up, I looked at my wonderful sister in law and her face was red and teary just like mine. And she, our designated driver, wasn’t even drinking! Suddenly I felt a lot less like a loser.
I’ve been thinking a lot about death, both in real terms and as a metaphor for transition and how we deal with grief. I don’t know whether I’m disgusted these guys for being drama queens and making a song out of that situation, or grateful to them for being willing to go there. Certainly one of the reasons I love them so much is their willingness to go there in all sorts of symbolic and archetypal situations, no matter how cheeseball or cliche’d– because such is our lives, most of the time, right?
They traded their old encore song, ‘This is for the people who died, died,’ for Van Halen’s Ain’t Talking Bout Love’ which was also a very, very gratifying memory from middle school.
Well to close this brief edition of Let There Be Rock the shaky egg post, I’ll say that on the way home from L’ville Sunday I was thinking about how could I turn my thoughts about death around from fear and dread, to genuine inquiry. It’s inevitable, and it’s a transition, and I know it sounds morbid, but it’s one of the key things we have to face in our life– our own, and the loss of loved ones, and sacred dying is a key precept for my healing school as well– not that it’s something to be desired and pursued, just that it happens, and can be handled with communication and love and dignity. So that’s one of my vision quests for the next year. Who knew the DBT’s in all their trashy glory would be helping me with this?
More anon.
blather
I call this post blather because I haven’t a single braincell left, I swear. I am so freaking tired.
My husband and I mapped out our plans for our back yard, as far as raised beds for veggies and, as I put it, a vista, a path, a resting place, and a destination. Now, our yard probably isn’t 200 feet long. Anyway, while it seems huge when it’s time to mow or think about planting and tending it, it’s not nearly big enough for a real vista, or path, or destination. But that’s what I see in my head, and that’s what we’re going to have. We’ll have places to stop and ‘rest’ on our way to the ‘destination’ at the far end, and I’d like to have some herbs and a wild area that will attract bugs and birds and butterflies. I’d also like to let some portion of it grow wild, but we have to leave enough room to play croquet, which needs 100 feet or so, so we may not have enough room for much of a, er, meadow.
Then, we busted our asses tidying up the house and mowing the yard and so were exhausted when our guests began arriving around four.
Tonight we provided the house for a party for a friend of my husband’s, who’d just been promoted. It was a small party, nothing on the scale of the housewarming, but nice. We grilled out and drank beer and the guys played horseshoes for hours– score! Finally someone got some use out of the pits my husband worked so hard to measure out and dig and build. It was hot, but not unbearable, especially with a cold beer in hand. It is soooooo nice to have a place I feel comfortable inviting people. I’m not saying it’s a palace, I’m just saying I am proud of it and enjoy opening my home so that folks can socialize. And… we have worked hard to have a place we feel like sharing.
We didn’t cook or anything. After busting my ass cooking for my vegetarian father last week, I just didn’t have it in me, and we really didn’t want to spend the money on one of my extravagant dos. I felt a bit weird– have friends over without piles of home cookin’ over which I slaved for hours and which broke our grocery budget? But… it was kinda nice. We provided chips and dip, soda, ice, some beer, some hotdogs, just a few basics. A friend brought over his industrial food-service looking gas grill and the promoted guy’s wife brought pasta salad and baked beans. Yum.
One of my husband’s friends just had a baby in May. I was ecstatic to see the baby, I hadn’t seen her since she was a newborn and the mommy was still in the hospital and– I can’t tell you how thrilled I was when the mom said she had to run home to get a pacifier, and casually asked, would I hold her? WOULD I??? Jeez, who did she think she was talking to? That kid was so good, and so precious.
Then later when the baby was fussy and her mom couldn’t calm her, I took her and put the clamp on her, the clamp that used to put my baby to sleep, gripped snugly to my chest with, you know, the bouncy walk? I kicked off the platforms so I wouldn’t fall over holding her and off we went. She conked right out. She stirred a bit and lay her fat dimpled little hand on my chest– I *knew* that low cut sweater was a good idea! That little bit passed right out and I felt sooo proud, and so grateful for the opportunity. There’s just nothing better. I wrapped her in one of my child’s plush Raggedy Ann and Andy blankets and lay her on my bed. It just felt soooo good to fuss over a baby. I got this little jingle of pride when her mom kept her wrapped in the Raggedy Ann blanket the rest of the afternoon.
When the baby woke later and, after an hour or two of adorableness, got fussy again, I had to restrain myself, twisting my hands together to keep from being a bossy grabby mom. I knew I had to let her handle this in a way that was right for her. I want her to like me, and to come back. She gave me a hug when she left. Snif!
I just want to be useful to my friends with babies. Are you reading this, M? I wanted to tell you and our other friend with a birthday this month that for your birthday you each get two free hours of housecleaning and two (or as many as you want, dinner and a movie?) free hours of babysitting from me, good absolutely any time you want. I just didn’t want to tell you in front of people.
The word is out among the friends that I want another one. I guess my husband has talked with them about it, or at least to the new daddy who talked to his wife the new mommy. I had to clarify, did my husband say he wanted one? No, he said I wanted one. I’m not a bit embarassed about it, thankfully. It’s just a fact. I want to stay home and have another one, even though I know I have some spiritual work to do first– not work, like I haven’t earned it yet, but work, like, get in the frame of mind I want to be in.
We, the wives present, talked about it briefly– the politics of our marriage making it just, well, easier for me to work so I can say, I work too, dammit, so help me with this. We’ll see.
As the party wound down– a couple of hours of poker ensued once it was too dark to hurl heavy pieces of iron through the air– I was thinking about my birthday party, which will be in October when the weather will probably be lovely. It’s two months away, my birthday, but I’ve already started thinking about what sort of theme I want and what I want to serve. I’m not a tea party girl, but for some reason the idea of a tea party popped into my head, maybe from thinking about playing with my child and her little girlfriend who was over tonight, so maybe I’ll do a bad girls tea party or a moms on the lam tea party. But no, I want a house buster like our housewarming was, so I will have to invite spouses and guys in general as well as girlfriends… Anyway, one item will be wonderful tiny sandwiches on white bread– cream cheese, herbs, a paper thin slice of onion, cucumber or tomato, salt and pepper. Mmmmm. Isn’t that an odd choice, and an odd thing to be thinking about?
Blather, I tell you.
Oh I cannot tell you how happy I am that it’s Saturday night and tomorrow is Sunday.
I have to be on the road Monday through Wednesday this week, and Sunday through Wednesday the following. I’ll be travelling a lot more for my job, from now on. It will make it harder to blog, I think, but it may actually make it easier for me to write, lots of time alone. That is, if hours on the road driving and being nice to people don’t rob me of my few remaining brain cells.
Speaking of time alone, guess where I get to stay in my travels? When on business, I get half off at our state’s parks– I can get a ‘cabin’ or chalet, an entire house really, for fifty five dollars a night. All to myself! Out in the middle of lovely Appalachian foothill nature nowhere, ALONE. How nice will that be????? I forgot to make my reservation today, worrying about the party, but the lady assured me on the phone that they have plenty of room. Oh it’s going to be soooo nice.
more on today
Today’s my mother’s sixtieth birthday. That’s why I busted ass to make the vegan kake.
I also figured out, with my husband, what we could get her sixty of– roses. The Fresh Market sells roses (no doubt farmed by underpaid, terribly taken advantage of migrants or indigenous people) for 6.99 a dozen. I got her five dozen and was frantic that I wouldn’t get them arranged before she arrived. The vase I envisioned using was too small! Dammit!!! I stood them up in a soup pot full of water, tied together to keep them supported. I had the baby decorate the brown paper bag I brought the roses home in, stuck the soup pot right down in the brown paper bag, and stuck it on our hearth. Fabulous!!
My parents did not have one single mean comment to make about the disarray of my house. I was actually making excuses to them in my head! I don’t know whether this says more about them, or about me. My mom did point out that the color in the foyer is all wrong… but heck, I knew that, and she offered to re paint it to make it right.
My child spent the evening picking at her food, eating chocolate, refusing the Kake– probably too damn nutritious, sigh– demanding attention and whining. I just tried to pacify her, within reason, and my mom played with her for hours. I hope we can get her into a more reasonable, less volatile frame of mind tomorrow.
I have passed yet another month without an unintended pregnancy. I may have mentioned in my introduction that I miscarried twins early in the pregnancy about a year and a half ago. I go on and on about this, pretty regularly. I was soooo devastated, and I haven’t gotten over it yet– it’s a grisly thing, but it’s also such a disappointment, to have my longed-for twins and then lose them, sensible comments about nature knowing its business and whatnot, not withstanding. I regularly search the internet for information about increasing chances for twins and such, to this day.
So after the D and C I resolved to go try for another baby right away. But the three months the OB advised morphed into six, and then I went back to work, and then just this weekend my husband and I sat down and added up all the debt we’ve managed to rack up (after getting all our damn debt paid off about the time we moved into this house four months ago dammit) the savings we want, and the furniture and other things we want for our house… and it looks like I’ll be working for a while. This doesn’t bother me in terms of having babies– the longer I wait the better my chance of having twins, and women have babies in their late thirties and early forties all the time. The longer I wait the better position I believe I will be, emotionally, spiritually, and financially, to parent a newborn again. It bothers me only because I don’t like my job much and have much better things to do.
But when I told my husband the good news about no unintended pregnancy and reaffirmed that I need to work for a long time, he said, you know things are never perfect. It would be nice if we could do the savings but lots of families don’t and they have babies. It was a shocking turnaround on his part. Usually when I talk about having another one he gets a frightened look on his face– frightened of telling me how he really feels about another baby since he is now already up to three. In fact, the last time I found myself obsessively talking to him about it, he said, you know a baby isn’t going to heal our marriage– a very gentle, insightful way to remind me of the stress we’re already under and that we don’t need more. Still, this time around it was very sweet to hear him say that.
I still have some spiritual work to do, insofar as two lady professional types have told me that they traced their miscarriages to a sense that deep down they didn’t deserve the wild joy of that pregnancy and the promise it held– not to insinuate that they or any woman having a miscarriage would be to blame, but to say, that miscarriage prompted me to work hard to love myself better and let my personal decisions reflect more of my true values, desires, and essential self. I look forward to doing some of that work… but for now I really gotta get back on the birth control.
I ran my ass off getting supper cooked, getting beds made and clean towels out. I am tired as shit. But the baby and the rest of the fam are asleep… that quiet is golden, and I’m going in to work late tomorrow. Still… I don’t think I can make it even one more step.
